Top Shelf Newz

Slithering Newz

2006-10-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

An Idaho home, ironically located in the Upper Snake River Valley, is infested with snakes. And that has the new owners singing Billy Joel’s Movin’ Out. Hundreds of snakes have been found under the floor boards and in the walls.

When interviewed by Lois Lane, Samuel L. Jackson said, “The family called me before they called the exterminators over at Terminix. And you can bet your sweet ass that I’m gonna get those mutha fuckin’ snakes, out that mutha fuckin’ house.”

The Newz At 4:20

2006-10-06T10:12:00.000-05:00

The Scripps Research Institute in California has discovered that the THC found in marijuana can prevent Alzheimer's disease.

When interviewed by Lois Lane, Mr. Wendell Johnson, a 90-year-old resident at Happy Acres Nursing Centers, said, “With my Viagra and my dope, now I’ll be able to remember all the hos I hit.”

Immigration Newz

2006-08-30T07:11:00.000-05:00

Tropical Storm Ernesto made landfall in south Florida early today. In Acapulco, Mexico, Hurricane John also made landfall. Immigration officials will be meeting with President Bush later today to find out how they can tighten the boarders in both countries.

Knocked Up Newz

2006-08-26T14:27:00.000-05:00

This week, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved nonprescription sales of an emergency contraception, Plan B. The drug will only be available at pharmacies, and to women age 18 and older.

When interviewed by Lois Lane, FDA officials said, “When Plan A is foiled, and you can’t keep your legs crossed, Plan B will be right there waiting for you.”

NASA Newz

2006-08-26T14:03:00.000-05:00

NASA delays scheduled launch of Atlantis for at least 24 hours after lightning struck the launch pad. Takeoff was anticipated for tomorrow, however, Pluto is still pissed about this Dwarf status stuff, and has begun fighting back.

When interviewed by Lois Lane, Pluto said, "Take that beotches,” as he zapped a mighty lightning bolt in their general direction.

For more information about the Planet Formerly Known as Pluto, see story below.

This Just In!

2006-08-25T15:02:00.000-05:00

Pluto was kicked out of our solar system yesterday. It has been reported that he was fucking Goofy. When interviewed by Lois Lane, Mickey Mouse said, “No comment.”

Airport Newz

2006-08-24T20:36:00.000-05:00

Mardin Azad Amin of Chicago was charged with felony disorderly conduct and faces up to three years in prison. When airport security officials asked him what the grenade-shaped item was in his luggage, rather than saying it was the component for his penis pump, he said it was a bomb.

The man claims he was embarrassed because his mother was standing next to him and didn’t want to own up to what the device really was. You know this guy grew up in a rough household if it is safer to lie to his mother about a bomb rather than let her know he has a limp biscuit.

When interviewed by Lois Lane, Mardin’s mother said, “It figures. He’s always been like his father, and he couldn’t get a woody to save his soul.”

Entertainment Newz

2006-08-24T20:22:00.000-05:00

Paramount pulled a Donald Trump and fired Tom Cruise. When interviewed by Lois Lane, Tom jumped on the couch and yelled, “I quit! They didn’t fire me!” He then took a handful of anti-depressants and shoved them in his mouth.

In a related story, Ron Hubbard, founder of the Church of Scientology said, “Can you fire people from a religion? Oh wait! It’s my religion! I can make up the rules as I go along! Being your own God is great. Someone get me Tom’s number!”

In a related story, when interviewed by Lois Lane, Baby Suri asked, “Irreconcilable Differences, goo-goo ga-ga?”